Je ne sais quoi

There are times when dark clouds loom over one's head and the world seems like a big bad place to be in, one might even wish that it would be all over, the world would come to an end as he/she knows it. There are emotions one can feel that have no name. Moments of great joy and prospect of  something may  transform into feelings of bitter disappointment and hopelessness.

Sometimes, when one is too deep into it,there are moments when one can feel trapped and liberated all at once followed by numbness and stillness. Things can sometimes seem to move so fast that it gets hard to breath, and at other times in slow motion when you just want the moment to pass by in stead of dragging on. 

Talking about it never translates the gravity of the situation, but it will make one wiser when one hears the words tumbling out of his/her mouth with no restraint, or one can hope to be.

Human capacity to feel and over-feel, think and over-think is immense, it is what gives shape to language and to literature. The thinking and feeling and imagining of writers have given a lot of us a lot of pleasure and pain. We stepped out of our comfort zones through these pages of greatness, we cried into the pages staining them, kissed some and left lipstick stains, we have even torn out some of them (I know you have) to have it always on your person. Sometimes we have carried a book around for ages without reading them but received some sort of satisfaction just having it around.

I think and over-think, I feel and over-feel, that is the reason I sometimes write and sometimes do not write. But I will not give it up for anything, even when they sometimes pull me by my hair and drag me through the roads of shame, guilt and pleasure. I have daydreamed about writing one day, perhaps I never will in this life but I will continue to read and dream, play around with the ideas, explore and imagine and feel them taking shape before they sublimate in my mind's eye.

There will be a love story, there will be a song, lines of magical poetry- there will be sensual pleasures of smell and taste and rhythm- I will see bright and radiant colours of this ephemeral existence, I will feel the elements on my skin- the burn of the sun and the grit of the sand. I will remember the days that gave me love and freedom. I will celebrate.