An Irrevocable Condition

For some time I have been feeling the presence of time more acutely. I am witnessing my niece and nephew growing up too quickly and my mother growing older. I sense one of those old fashioned alarm clocks running after me ticking away, intimating that time is running out. But what is time running out for? So many unrealised dreams and unfulfilled expectations of oneself and others, buried under mundane life suddenly surface out of some bizarre happening and all of a sudden life seems like a ticking time bomb.
It is quite difficult to reconcile the dichotomous mind, when you want to travel the world and go home at the same time, the two so separate yet entangled like lovers. I think most people who look to go to the furthest corners of the world are looking to go home.
As I am getting older in a country that's at it's core only different because the people speak a different language from me, I find myself constantly veering towards my mother tongue, Bangla. I find myself constantly responding in Bangla with my friends even when they write to me in english, I find that my vocabulary has somehow improved from my school days and I have been listening to a lot more Bangla songs and appreciating them more than ever.
The pull to go back home is stronger than ever, I realise this wanting is a run after an elusive "chhelebela" (childhood). The people who made childhood special do not exist anymore or are not the same anymore, neither is the town, it isn't even home anymore, it exists only in my memories, and this is where I come to the irrevocable condition, a description borrowed from the writer James Baldwin who called home an irrevocable condition. It's perhaps the reason why some of us wander.

I leave you with the lyrics of this song by Moheener Ghoraguli

Ghore Pherar Gaan

Ami gai.. ghorer ferar gaan
Utola keno e pran
Sudhu je daake
Fire amake
Bidesh bibhuiye pore achi
tobu charena keno charena pichu taan

Ami tai.. ekhono klantiheen
cholechi raatri din
shuni chomke.. jai thomke
kotha hote jeno veshe ashe
shudhu chena khub chena 
mono majhe omoleen

Firbo bolley fera jay naki
periyecho desh kaal jano naki eshomoy
Ekhono shamne poth haata baki
chaileo dite parbena faaki nischoy 

Ami chai fire jete shei gaay
badhano boter chayay
Sei noditir.. hawa jhir jhir
Moner gobhire pore thaka joto
smiriti bismiriti kokhono ki bhola jaea

Ami pray ekhono khuji se desh
jaani nei obosesh
Morichika hay swapno dekhay
Soishobe ar fera jabe na to
nei poth nei hariye geche se desh

Firbo bolley fera jay naki
periyecho desh kaal jano naki eshomoy
Ekhono shamne poth haata baki
chaileo dite parbena faaki nischoy 
Ami chai fire jete shei gaay...

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